is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
