we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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