I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Randomize
