im drinking this country out of the recession.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
