If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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