I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
