Im at strip club and am horny
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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