please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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