apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
