Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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