Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
