I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
