My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
