I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
