You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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