have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
