my mouth tastes like poor choices
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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