my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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