Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
