She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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