Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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