i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
