i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
