my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
