he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
