remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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