is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
