I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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