Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
