Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
