Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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