He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
