i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
