Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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