I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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