Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
