I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
