Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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