Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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