i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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