Will you blow on my dice?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
