Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
