Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
