I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Randomize
