I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
This is my gift to your gina
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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