I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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