Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
