Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I lost the right to judge tonight
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
