I love black thongs
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
