I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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