About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
