life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
