apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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