Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
