yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
