my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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