I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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