he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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