She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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