before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
