Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
