mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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