I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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