We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I wish there were birth control emojis
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
