can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
