One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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