I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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