I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
