Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
